EPIPHANY Part One
Ignore? Or Accept?
Hi Everyone!
Please forgive my absence for the last several months. We are just a few weeks from the first anniversary of my first post as a new member of Substack. My intention when I began was to post monthly until I was able to comfortably settle into my routine, at which time I would move to bi-weekly and then weekly posts. Ultimately I would love to do daily ones. I understand I am totally capable of doing that. My challenge is dealing with my personality disorder. Yeah, I have one of those.
I don’t mean to besmirch those who are truly suffering from severe personality disorder. Mine may seem very low on the spectrum, but to me it is a burden. You see, I just talk too much. Even in my writing. As an example, this morning I started out doing a little simple piece on epiphany. Here I am already two paragraphs in and I haven’t even gotten to my topic yet!
Okay, so let’s begin. My topic today… Epiphany. Ignore? Or pay attention? To approach this topic, I must begin with why was I sporadic and absent since my last post. I have picked up the pace here this couple of days. Prior to that my ‘real’ last post was published on October 20, 2023.
Shortly after that time I fell into an uncharacteristic depression. I put on the happy face but underneath, the waters, the heavens and the skies were crumbling. I had never experienced something like this before. Then… I had an epiphany!
My personal guidepost since 2000, tipping my hat to then Pastor Jeff Marian [https://www.mariancoaching.com/] is Revelation 3:20 NIV “20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” I chose this scripture verse because I realized Faith is 20/20. I’ll spare you the details for now but I can tell you specifically how many times in my life I heard Him knocking at my door, and I refused to answer it. It wasn’t until 1998 when I stepped outside of my ego after writing a series of 3-5 minute dramas to support Pastor Jeff’s weekly messages, I was urged to ‘walk my talk’. I was a skeptical and cynical non-believer able to craft simple short stories which spoke to the congregation individually and at large.
I was invited to attend my church’s Kingdom retreat. It was suggested I attend and ask in the name of Jesus to fulfill a desire. I felt that was corny but what did I have to lose? Well, first and foremost and quite possibly writing those dramas, which were making an impact on the congregation, as well as myself. I enjoyed doing that immensely. They came to, or out of me quite easily. I basically decided if “I heard a knock I would answer the door”.
I agreed to go to the retreat, asking God to give me or bring me a drama team. I did pray about it. In summary, I left that three day weekend retreat with a newly founded drama team of eight participants for my church. I remember feeling, “Wow! How’d this happen"? I returned to church with a successful drama ministry which I led for nearly twelve years. I basically answered Jesus’s knock at the door and He did as He promised. The success of that ministry and the relationships formed were the result of answering the door and letting Jesus in.
What was amazing to me was how the blessing of the drama team was followed by others. I had never experienced the abundance of blessings or what we called at the time coincidences in my life. I have always heard the expressions, “Ask in My Name and you will receive”, and “God keeps His Promises”. It was abundantly clear this is His truth. Still. I became a definite follower of Jesus Christ. It is overwhelming how Christ shows up consistently. Those who are non-believers think those of us who follow Jesus are just bonkers and out of touch goofy. I get it. It’s unreal. It’s difficult to explain. We just know. God’s presence is real. Moment to moment. When you step back and see all of the Faithful you can no longer doubt. God (Jesus) has touched them in some undeniable way. Now I get it. He has touched me undeniably.
Okay Doug, get back on topic.
My most recent epiphany is that I was not answering the door anymore. It became evident to me Jesus is still knocking at my door. It isn’t a ‘one and done’ deal. We must listen for the knocking everyday! And open it! Daily! My challenge was, as of November 2023, I didn’t like the voice yelling through the door. It was filled with doom and impending death. Then it hit me…
A Craig Groeschel quote. "What you fear most often reveals where you trust God the least". I was afraid to open the door again. The depths of my Heart was trying to communicate with me as well. And I wasn’t listening.
I am a practitioner of the heart. I teach artists, particularly actors how to listen to their heart and shut out the fear of doubt. One of my most favorite, personal quotes is, “When we think, we doubt. When we feel, we know.” ~ Doug McDade
I knew something was wrong with me. My heart was trying to tell me. But outside that door, [ala Steven Pressfield] the Resistance was screaming to me, “Haha - you’re dying! And there’s nothing you can do about it! HaHa!” Well, this brings in a plethora of philosophical topics for discussion. Of course I’m dying! We’re all dying. We start dying the very second we are born. There’s a quote from Da Vinci which I found jarring, yet always fascinates me:
“While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.”
- Leonardo Da Vinci.
I don’t know about you but I’d be okay with living until I become utterly ridiculous, and remarkably incoherent, like maybe Howard Hughes or 300 yoa, whichever comes first. Yeah, I was afraid, no, terrifed of death. Fearfully frozen. I avoided the thought of dying. I discovered I had not only thanatophobia (fear of dying), I had fragapane phobia (fear of birthdays), and gerascophobia (fear of aging). As a result I missed several funerals of dear friends and events with related subject matter and the reality of death.
So what happened? And what is all this business about the doom and gloom?
The doom and gloom was real. You see, I lost my dad to cancer when I was seven.
I was terrified that I would get cancer. At that time one in four people were diagnosed with the disease. I really hoped I wasn’t one of the four. Then I realized I just wished one of my three friends would come down with it. I certainly didn’t want that. Then I freaked out because that left me. It became a daily ritual then to avoid that thought. My mantra became, “I am NOT that thought! Within seconds after speaking that, my negative thoughts would disappear.
A few years later I lost my dear friend Mark Marvin to cancer. He was ten years old.
My anxiety grew even more when my beloved Aunt Claudia passed from cancer. Then my mom, when I was twenty-two. I was living in a nightmare. Every person with whom I loved was lost do to that dreaded disease. I couldn’t escape it. I feared it. To the point I have to keep overwhelmingly busy to keep my mind off of it. By November 2023, (last year), my mntra was no longer working.
Fast forward to 2024. February, still dealing with the doom and gloom, I felt something on my head. A bump. Not very big, maybe just large enough I could feel it.
It wasn’t a pimple, but kinda like a pimple. A couple weeks later I realized it was getting bigger. I went to see my dermatologist. He quickly diagnosed it as Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Crap! Cancer! He told me not to worry, it was a pretty common thing and very easy to treat. On March 12, I had a successful surgery to remove it. I took a deep breath and told myself, “Well! I can breathe easily from now on. I had cancer. So, I’m done with it!” Oddly, the feeling of doom and gloom was still present. I felt it might just be anxiety. A few days later I felt the dark wave of depression. I heard the voices even louder.
On March 23, I noticed some blood from my plumbing. I panicked and foolishly felt I should wait a couple of days ‘to see if it goes away’. Of course it didn’t. It did get a little worse. A couple of days turned into a week when I finally scheduled an appointment with my PCP. The soonest I could schedule it was the fifth of April. I don’t appreciate that I was now two weeks out from first noticing my issue.
Upon meeting with my physician, he was deeply concerned because just a few months earlier I had a full physical and was in excellent shape. On this day he detected two lumps in my prostate. He immediately referred me to a urologist because whatever he detected appeared aggressive. The feeling of doom and gloom was now overwhelming. Exacerbated by the fact that I couldn’t get into to see the urology specialist for another two weeks!
Several more weeks passed, jumping through the hoops with the medical bureaucracy before I was finally able to get tests which were insurance-provider approved so that I could receive a biopsy. Still no word from the urologist I was referred to. When the results finally came in the specialist was on vacation and I went another week and a half before I was able to get the results. Thanks to the swift action, attention, and help from my daughter-in-law I was admitted to City of Hope.
Doom and gloom was justified. I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer on May 28, 2024. I had a Gleason Score of 9. It appeared the cancer was high stage 3 or low stage 4, and definitely aggressive. Surgery was out of the question, and radiation therapy was questionable. The cancer had already invaded three lymph nodes just outside of my prostate, which was two-thirds occupied with a tumor. These complications obstructed any effective radiation treatment. My body and emotional state was like nothing I had ever experienced. I was certain I would not live to see November, 2024. I had lost fifteen pounds and my body and emotional state was racked with stress. I was exhausted and felt I had one foot in the grave.
See EPIPHANY Part Two (Accept? Or Deny?) for more, coming Saturday, November 9, 2024.